NO HEAUX LEFT BEHIND: CASUAL SEX & INTRINSIC VALUE

Writer Jessica Lakay explores casual sex, sexual agency, and the complicated work of separating a woman’s intrinsic value from the people who fail to recognize it.

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I want sex. My body deserves the soothing that it brings. Oftentimes, my shame and fear seek to understand the potential of being hurt and undervalued by those I interact with sexually. While both realities are true, I think discernment is contextual if you make it so. In a world where most of us are socialized to discard, I think hope is restored in sexual encounters. It’s not up to those partners to recognize that hope, but for me solely.

It is unwise to believe that each person you share yourself with will see you, nor is it an abomination to engage while knowing they won’t grasp your value. I don’t excuse or tolerate the harm inflicted upon me by those who haven’t valued me. In fact, I depart from them. However, forever will be found in the one who chooses me. Not for the reason of ego-centered self-preservation, but because I’m so beautiful in my chaos. I’m layered. I’m whole.

None of the value I possess goes away when I have sex with someone who doesn’t see that. I cleanse, protect, and banish. I take accountability. I listen to my body. I serve myself. That’s how I know I’m still in the right place, at the right time. The blessing isn’t linear, nor is the path to it.

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After a drunk night with a new suitor, a thought that had been circling my mind for weeks reappeared: “Are you sure you’re doing this right?” While my mind often fixates on perfection, the answer to this question would soothe none of its concerns perfectly.

As I reflected on a summer full of new partners, blocked numbers, and moments of dread, I observed a pattern of my mind wanting to know whether my partners were eroding my value by virtue of witnessing their slack behavior. Time has passed, and with a handful of new experiences, I’ve developed a fresh articulation of my thoughts surrounding value.

In a world where social constructs define who is desirable and who is not, what truly determines someone’s value? As much as society would like to contain the human experience in a bubble, the human experience is too complex to be contained. When a man’s processing of the world around him is based entirely on patriarchal social conditioning, very little of his understanding of you reflects your reality as a woman. Knowing a partner’s evaluation of you is based on such a thing, you’d be giving them too much credit by building an identity around how you’re perceived by them. While patriarchy has a real impact on the masses socially, there is much more freedom in deciding whether you’d like to participate in the rat race.

If someone was taught that I was never to be seen as a human, but rather as a source of limitless pleasure, they are not credible enough to have a say in whether my value has diminished or increased. It is unwise to live within someone else’s story.

Once you’ve decided that you will no longer be bound to rules, restrictions, and false interpretations of your being, many truths will present themselves to you. These truths are bittersweet initially, but they grant you more personal contentment over time. It is crushing to face the music, but music is still a beautiful form of expression nonetheless.

Additionally, we are all giving each other too much power by fixating on emotional investment as the only basis for whether someone is worth experiencing. Even if you are treated in all the ways you desired, that does not guarantee a permanent connection. If you are afraid of dealing with the mental and emotional impact of permanence, or the lack thereof, you will always leak your power to the other party.

While other creators have expressed the importance of a heaux phase in your younger years, that label alone reinforces the general sense of taboo and shame women experience when exploring desire, sexuality, and pleasure. Sexual exploration is necessary, but doing so without being informed about your limitations and emotional capacity can set you back tenfold.

It is important to compartmentalize your expectations and release attachment to outcomes, especially within sexual connections. Frankly, there is no safety net outside of you that will prevent misfortune in relationships. Your understanding of self is the only safety net provided when navigating intimacy.

Even in casual dynamics, you will be affected by the other party’s choices and behavior concerning you. However, there is peace of mind in knowing that your emotional investment is reserved for those who’ve proven themselves worthy enough to have access to it.

On the other hand, depriving yourself of sexual gratification in the name of preserving intentionality can also put you in a bind. While withdrawing from sex entirely may work for some, if you are someone who centers pleasure, you can benefit from learning to hold dual energies.

For transparency, this is easier in theory than in practice. My personal experience with casual dating and sex has been quite fast-paced. Due to my choice to live this way, I am constantly confronting my own blind spots and areas of weakness.

I am not always graceful when stepping away from a connection, even when I understand why the connection has failed. I discard men harshly when they offend me. Sometimes I slip up on protection. Sometimes I engage in dead-end conversations in hopes of being understood.

All of these versions of myself exist at the same time, and it is my responsibility to find my way back to center. That includes feeling the weight of not being valued, understanding why I am not being valued, and choosing to move forward with that understanding rather than sadness.

I believe I’ll never be short of a good time, experience, or partner. There are many things that fulfill me. There are many things I haven’t experienced yet. In your 20s, you likely haven’t had the best sex of your life. One would ask, “Then why not just wait for the right person?”

The “right” person will not be a good fit for you solely because they are able to please you sexually. Sex is embarrassing, awkward, and complex for each person. As a woman who doesn’t orgasm from penetration but enjoys it, my sexual encounters have allowed me to evaluate the quality of sex in ways beyond the obvious.

When those other components are acknowledged, I’m able to practice on myself or with another partner. I’ll be able to have a conversation about my needs moving forward. I’ll be able to take on less emotional labor when an encounter isn’t what I thought it would be.

As humorous as I am when sharing my experiences, they truly mean something to me. When I was younger, I thought I was a great sex partner solely because of the way I felt toward the other party. As I gained more experience, I realized that I have good technique, sex appeal, and the emotional bandwidth to have uncomfortable conversations while still preserving the sweetness of a connection, casual or not.

Though I do not always get to exercise these qualities in my sexual connections, I know they are there. I know they have been built. Therefore, I carry no shame.

I’m aware that my online presence, sexuality, and openness open the door for those who can’t see past sex, but I can close the door. And sure enough, I always do.

I believe the partner I’ll be building a foundation with will understand the nuances of womanhood and face them head-on. Though, I am not in a rush to meet them. Nor should you be.

The versions of you that are showing up now deserve space and enough time to close themselves out properly. I am no stranger to energetic lingering, which is why I appreciate the process.

Good sex is cyclical, conversational, spontaneous, unserious, and raunchy. As I am all things, so are the experiences that shape me.

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Jessica Lakay (lah-kay) is a Jamaican-American writer from South Florida whose work explores sensuality, childhood, love, and spirituality. Through poetry and short stories, Lakay seeks to give voice to the unheard and create space for conversations about queer love.